By Ruth Nemzoff
One of the biggest annoyances and fears for grandparents are grandchildren who are “out of control.” Of course, one person’s definition of “out of control” is another’s definition of “spontaneous.” Discipline styles fall along a continuum from the most rigid authoritarian to the laissez-faire. Gordon, a winning child of eleven, had done very well in school until fourth grade; in fifth grade his grades started to decline. His grandparents thought he needed some good old-fashioned punishment. His parents felt he needed tutoring. The teacher had said Gordon decoded the words on the page well, but did not understand what he read. Here it is clear the parents have more information than the grandparents.
Often how best to teach a given child at a given moment is not clear. Sometimes, mercy and kindness work, and at others strictness is required. Grandparents might want to freshen up on childcare manuals to make sure they aren’t expecting more self-control
than is age-appropriate, doling out punishments when a tincture of time will cure the child.
Thankfully, most of our grandchildren grow up and become calmer! The real bugaboo between parents and grandparents can be who is in control and when. Children are brilliant “psychologists”and know who is the softie on what issues and who is more rigid.
The skill of knowing who will give permission and who won’t is useful in business, but very annoying to parents. It is far better not to undermine our children’s parental authority, since they are on duty 24/7 and we just come and go. When three generations are together, it is important to clarify just who is the rule maker; it is wise to give the parents the authority.
Sounds simple and clear, but location can complicate the hierarchy. Each generation has a right to make rules in its own home: where food should be eaten, where diapers should be changed, and other cleanliness standards. Thus, when you are in your child’s home, your child’s rules apply. When they are in yours, yours apply. Remember, you are the grandmother / grandfather, you were implementing rules and limits for an entire generation before the grandchildren came along.
Excerpted from Don’t Bite Your Tongue by Dr. Ruth Nemzoff. Copyright © 2008 by the author and reprinted by permission of Palgrave Macmillan.
