When my children were young, I spent extra special care trying to make sure that every piece of chocolate cake was precisely the same size. Birthday gifts had to cost the exact same amount and at holiday time, I kept an accurate accounting of who got what. This mentality of enforced equality was not only for toys and candy. If I spent a Saturday afternoon with one child, I made sure the other got the same amount of time the following weekend. I am not sure why I felt so strongly about not giving more to one, but I was always balancing the playing fields.
Fast forward twenty years or so and so much has changed. My eldest child, Sarah created a small business straight out of university. As Sarah’s business grew, my youngest child, Lauren left her teaching job to have a child. Lauren’s husband, a high school teacher, supported her decision to stay home. He is a wonderful father and husband. My husband and I couldn’t love him any more than we do. Shortly after Lauren’s second child was born, Sarah married a lawyer that she met as she was in the process of selling her business for an “undisclosed amount”. Needless to say, the playing fields are no longer balanced in our lives and if you have to know, it makes me very uncomfortable.
Sarah’s home, clothing and vacations are elaborate. Her daughter is dressed beautifully. Sarah is a stay at home mom, however, she has a nanny and a cleaning woman to help her. Sarah worked incredibly hard to find the success that she has and I am truly very proud of her, but I can’t help think about Lauren. Lauren worries about every penny that she spends. She feels intense guilt about the idea of putting all of the financial pressure on her husband, but also feels intense guilt about the idea of going back to work while the kids are still so little. She NEVER buys anything for herself and sometimes, it breaks my heart. When I do pick a little something up for her, I have to stop myself from also buying one for Sarah. Old habits die hard.
I know that this sounds bad when it is written down on paper. It sounds like I am more concerned with Lauren’s happiness than I am with Sarah’s. That is not the case. As a parent, I do think we worry about whichever child is struggling at that moment. I was once told, “you can only be as happy as your saddest child”. I believed that whole-heartedly when they were young. I just didn’t realize that these emotions would continue when my girls were grown women.
The amazing thing is that even though the playing fields are totally out of whack, my girls adore each other. Their worlds seem light years apart, but they are completely connected. There is no competition between them; just complete and utter happiness for each other’s accomplishments. Deep down, I hope that part of that has to do with the fact that one never got a bigger piece of cake than the other.
